Social media, highlights reel, comparisons, self doubt, imposter syndrome, burn out, expectations…. these are all things that I think will resonate with absolutely everyone, in some way or another. As with most things, we all feel and process things differently, but I do believe that ultimately, we are all vulnerable in some way, but perhaps see that as a weakness rather than a strength?

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light” – Brene Brown

So this is going to be quite a personal blog post, one that was inspired by a recent interview I did as part of the North York Moors National Park Mindful Month. What started as an interview about our restaurant many months ago, unfolded into a focus on my own struggles with mental health and how that has impacted my path for the last 8 years.

I am (now) an open book when it comes to talking about my battles with anxiety, but that is only since reaching such a breaking point in 2017 that I was forced to seek help. To explore the darkness. And my goodness, I am so glad I did, because I have never felt so happy in my own skin, and what many of you will see via social media and snapshots of the restaurant, is my ‘best self’, and I really really don’t want people to see this and think that perhaps they can’t feel that sort of calm, or achieve something they dream of doing, because it wasn’t always like this, and I wasn’t always like this. And it still isn’t always easy!!

So what’s my story? I’ll try to keep it brief. For as long as I can remember, I have always felt things strongly, almost physically felt the worries, perhaps that something bad will happen to someone, or that someone is feeling sadness, and always a strong sense of needing the safety of my home and those that made me feel safe. As a young child, this meant I really struggled with the separation of school, and was largely home educated up to the age of 9, and then again from age 11-14. (This could be a whole other blog post, as we are now also choosing to home ed our two children) When I started school at 14, I loved it, because I was ready for it. I went through the mainstream GCSEs, A Levels and studied Law at uni. From university I went straight into working in the family business, which was focused on the research and manufacture of herbal medicines and apiceuticals (medicines from the beehive). This was only supposed to be a year long thing, helping out, before heading on to sit my solicitors exams. However, a year turned into 2, that ultimately turned in to 10!

During my time in the family business, I discovered a passion for formulating natural skincare products, using all the amazing ingredients we were handling on a daily basis. What started as making lipbalms at home, formulating and perfecting, eventually turned into creating a brand, and a range of products. We began to sell not only on our own website, but also via Notonthehighstreet.com, Etsy, Next online and even exported to stores in South Korea. Sounds great doesn’t it? So why wasn’t it great? On paper I was ‘successful’, with my old uni using me as a poster girl for their alumni, and having products featured in Vogue and other glossy magazines. But I wasn’t happy, I said I was, I thought I ‘should’ be, but over time anxiety and burn out crept in, until one day in 2017 I simply couldn’t get out of bed.

I’ll never forget that day. It was my younger sister’s birthday, and we were all meeting for a family meal in Saltburn, and I started getting ready to leave, and my body just had other ideas, I was having my first panic attack. Once it passed and I had managed to calm myself down, I sobbed, and let everyone know I couldn’t make it. And the next day, I just couldn’t face work. The next few weeks were a combination of holding it together enough to work, or perhaps getting halfway there and having to pull over, or reaching a friends house and knocking on their door at 7.30am needing a safe space. It reached a point where I knew I had to seek help, and one of my older sisters signposted me to a therapist in York. She called and made my appointment, and too overwhelmed to drive there alone, my friend came with me and spent the hour just sitting in my car waiting for me (you know who you are).

Over the next 9 months I had a session every week, and slowly unpicked, and explored, and learned, and healed. The first part was largely getting out of the fight or flight mode I was in, and learning how to handle my anxiety attacks, literally learning how to breathe again. And then the work really began, figuring it all out. It wasn’t quick. It wasn’t easy at times. It wasn’t cheap (I fully appreciate my position of privilege to have been able to afford private care) But it was life changing. I had to make some huge changes and incredibly painful decisions, like leaving the business and focussing on myself. For a long time I felt like that meant I had failed, until I realised that by doing the work and finding myself, this was the exact opposite of failure.

I feel like this has become way too long, so well done if you have read this far. To sum it all up, the reason I felt compelled to write this, was like a letter to anyone who might be having a difficult time. And maybe as a reminder to myself about how far I have come? I had for so many years this narrative in my own head about who I was, but since reaching that rock bottom place, with the help of the most incredible therapist, and Pete, who was absolutely steadfast and in fact, I believe it was his love and safety that made me feel able to let go of it all, and of course my family and friends, I have re-written ‘me’. Yes I am emotional, yes I overthink, I worry still, but I have never felt so content, and in the right place. This isn’t to say I never feel anxious anymore, but I have learnt how to soothe myself, or to lean in to it, and most importantly, to TALK about it.

So to anyone who is having a tough time, I won’t just say ‘it will get better’ as that isn’t always helpful, but it can. Find someone to talk to, open up, be vulnerable. You might be surprised at how easy that feels, and I bet you that once you do, others will follow suit. I often find people opening up to me, once I broach the topic first!

It can feel lonely in the harder times, for those of you who might have friends or family struggling, I’d say keep in touch, but don’t expect too much. Texts like “Just checking in with you, no need to reply” were always gratefully received, I didn’t feel forgotten about, but no one was expecting me to have to engage too much.

I’ve sat on this half finished blog now for weeks, overthinking it, questioning whether it’s too much of myself to put out there, or whether it sounds too preachy. But hey, that’s probably because it feels vulnerable. And I am ok with that.

With love for now,

Cecily x